Hello my happy little internet viewers and most importantly my fishing forum losers. This little piece is a dedication to you! A dedication to all of them idiots, dumbasses and screwups that think having a "FISHING FLOATILLA" is a great thing. Now why is Miss Angie being such a bitch about fishing floatillas? Since some of my audience is so stupid (forum posters) I'm going to bullet this for you...
1. Our rivers are crowded enough as they are. Why would you want to invite a bunch of people you don't know to it and make it even worse?
2. If you have a river where you always kick ass on, isn't it stupid to introduce another 50 people with boats to share the wealth? Aren't you just fuckin yourself?
3. Why can't you ninkcomshits figure it out that if you have a "Honey Hole" and you broadcast it on the internet there is going to be 100 other people at your "Honey Hole" and it won't be a "Honey Hole" anymore?
4. What part of this do you not understand?
But you if you really think about it... Fishing Floatillas are pretty harmless. It's not like they catch anything if you haven't notice. How can you when every 25 feet a boat is going through? Don't tell them that though. They might actually figure it out... So if you find out that a fishing floatitlla is coming to your favorite river... Do the following:
Get up early and coon em with another boat. Then hold up signs telling them how gay they are. Remember even if they are all stupid one of might not be and then he's your new competition.
Remember folks less is better when fishing. There's only so many fish to go around.
A middle age balding man lays asleep on an oily stained hammock. He lays there with arms folded underneath his head and his fingers strum on the slippery spot of his upper lobe where once grew thick strands of dirty blonde hair. Thought after thought goes through his dull mind, as he tries to come up with something original, something profound, something special for promoting his fishin prowess…
Then it struck him full force and as he jumps up he unbalances the hammock and crashes down to the weed ridden grass strewn with Schmidt cans below him. Unheeding of the cut on his palm from the sharp edge of a forehead crushed can he runs back into his house. Where awaiting him, is his dissatisfied wife who hollers after him. "Honeyyyyyyyy---- we are suppose to go out to dinner tonight for our anniversary…. Honeeeyyyyyy----Don't you dare get on that computer! HONEYYYYYY---" she whines.
Alas, she goes unheeded too, because Captain Gadget or G.T. has come up with the ultimate promotional stunt for himself. A stunt to beat all stunts! He is going to do a fishing armada! He can see it in his mind, driftboat after shiny driftboat catching fish after fish, a procession to beat all processions! He grabs his balls and gives them a shake since he has no fellow brother in arms to high five with. And he begins to post an ad…
"Hello everyone!
I have decided to commandeer an armada of driftboats! I'm going to take all my friends and show you how the real fishing is done on the Cowlitz! Yes, please join me in showing everyone how it's done! Come one come all. Join Admiral (he was rejected by the Navy do to an asthma problem but always thought he could be the next Admiral Nelson) GADGET for the float of a life time for silvers and steelhead down the lovely Cowlitz River. If you have driftboat will travel!!!!"
The responses were immediate, since the people that were on his forums, rarely left the computer in the evenings, because, well what else did they have to do?
TheFishingGod "Oh GT that is the best idea ever! Count me & my boat in!"
Marsha Brady "Can I go too and be the designated cheerleader?"
FishingGod "You mean designated driver!"
Marsha Brady "Oh FG you are so funny!"
JiffySpiffyFish "Hey, I'm going to join! If my wife lets me…. She gets a little scared when I float strange rivers"
GT "Spiffy my man, you need to cut the cord don't you think?"
JiffySpiffyFish "Man GT that hurt… ha ha ha"
And the intellectually stimulating banter goes on and on….
Meanwhile we find Captain Gadget, excuse me Admiral Gadget intensely typing on his keyboard arranging interviews with various captains, ignoring his wife. She had come into his "Fishin Lair" in a black see through teddy…. And paraded around the room, without a glance from her hubby she went back into the kitchen and had found some red dye (GT was curing eggs which was a three week annoyance to his wife) and painted an arrow from her breasts down to the top of her patch of pubic hair. She again paraded around the room and aheeemmmmmmmmed several times before giving up.
She went and took a shower to try to remove the red dye and screamed in frustration when it didn't come off. It was an ancient Indian Berry Dye used by Indian Warriors of the Great Plains. It would only come off with time. Donning a sexy shirt and tight Levis she drove down to the local tavern to see if some nice young stud would oblige her. This had become a recurring event since her husband had been trying fruitlessly to become a famous fishing icon. She was actually thinking about a divorce but realized that it was kind of a blessing because it kept him out of her hair anyways, and the young studs at the tavern were a heck of a lot more fun.
DAY ONE 2AM
Around two AM in the morning, we find Admiral Gadget still at work on his computer. Making lists and checking them twice. He formulates a program in Basic that will score each entry on their abilities and of course there is the most important grading factor of how much they worship him and idolize him as their fishing mentor. This could be calculated by how many times they had responded to his posts on various fishing forums. So after some brutal data entry the contestants were entered and now he sat there face glowing blue in the light of his monitor waiting for the results, then with a shake of his head he had the distinct thought that he was forgetting something. All of a sudden the backdoor slammed opened, and in stumbled his very drunk wife, lip stick smeared, hair tousled wildly (you know how a woman's long hair gets after a roll in the hay? Don't we call that "Fuck me hair"? ) and she makes her way to the kitchen drawers. Grabbing a giant butcher knife, she weaves gracefully towards Admiral G, who sits there dumbfounded. With the warrior cry of hundreds of neglected housewives before her, she dives at Admiral G and plunges the sharp knife into the keyboard! Passing out she wimpers… "I hate the internet, I hate the internet…
Admiral G picks up his wife who has him pinned between her and the computer and carries her to the living room sofa where he had ironed on various fishing patches of hundreds of fishing products and lays her out. He stares at her pretty face and smooths out her hair. Giving her a soft kiss and putting a wool blanket adorned with every char in existence, he goes back into his "Fishing Lair". He picks up the keyboard and unplugs it and shakes his head. Opening the drawer he plugs in another one. He then adds the keyboard to the others in the closet. One had been doused with boiling coke and was too sticky to use, one had been torched with a small welding torch and the keys were all melted together, and one had been hammered till only 5 or 6 keys were remaining.
He reads the results…. And the winners are…
Since he can only go on guided trips because of his desk job he's all up for it! He's grown fat behind the computer…
Isn't she lovely? But alas this picture was taken 25 years ago tune in to see what she really looks like…
This poor man has no life not only does he have to bring his work home with him…
He knows not what he got his brother into…
Tyler's little inbred brother made him go and it will be Tyler's last fishing trip ever…
We find out exactly why Steven is delivering pizza… YeeeeeAHHHH
Shoe salesman? Need I say more?
DAY 5
After many exchanged emails and gay forum threads, the date was finally set for the training session and bon voyage date. The training session was held in LongBeach Washington. How anyone could live in that area is beyond me, it is a complete shit hole and as you drive from Raymond, it's like driving into a huge gray cloud. The sun never shines on LongBeach and there is a reason. Legend has it that long ago, the Native Americans once enjoyed the sunny beaches and wetlands of the region. They played naked in the waves and sung the songs of many legends till the daughter of the great Chief pissed off the gods, and the area was cursed by misfortune and gloominess. How'd she do it? She got tired of listening to the drunk old men around the fire, she got tired of watching their shiny huge bellies joustle in laughter at their stupid stories and jokes, about how each was better than the last in their hunting prowess. So she went out and killed the biggest bull elk the tribe had ever seen to shut the stupid bastards up… She succeeded and made angry the "God of the Hunt" who was the worse of them all…
ANYWAY… the curse was passed on to whoever lived in the area, and thus when you go visit or move there a bad mood encompasses your mind till you drive out of range and you become yourself again. What happens if you stay? You become a bad throwback to the 80s…
They all meet on the beach waiting breathlessly for the arrival of their Admiral. Except for two of the participants everyone is as excited as a group of teenage girls waiting to get backstage at a rock concert if you know what I mean… Tyler Durn, much to the annoyance of the group stands away from the crowd smoking cigarette after cigarette and occasionally putting in check his retarded little brother Oedipus Rex. Oedipus Rex had a problem, not only was he ugly as sin his eyebrows grew across his forehead and his legs bowed grotesquely, he was a horny little guy and not only could he tell right from wrong but he couldn't tell what to hump and what not to hump. (Thank you SNL for the character of "Peepers") When he got too carried away Tyler had to go grab him by the back of his hairy neck and pull him off of whatever turned him on which could be anything. What else could Tyler Durn do? It was his half brother and Tyler being the ultimate in cool had to submit to family loyalty, even though it was a pain in the ass…
VRRRRRRROOOOMMMMMM VRRRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM came the sound of a harley blaring the Aerosmith Song of "I'm back in the Saddle again…" Sitting astride the old black hog was the majestic figure of Steven Tyler all adorned in black leather with the coolest shades imaginable. Why was he here? Why would the coolest of the cool old heavy metal stars even grace these no nothings with his presence?
See Steven was bored of the rock scene and the endless line of young groupie chics. After 25 years of groupie after boring mindless groupie (he only joined a rock band for the pussy) he decided to become a "Pizza Delivery Guy"…. Why you ask? So he could do all the bored housewives and college girls of course. The reason why he was here today was that he couldn't figure out why these women were left alone to order pizza on Friday and Saturday night by their husbands and boyfriends. Left I might add to his disposal. Since the sex was so good, he decided that there must be something to this fishing thing, because if it was better than good pussy he was by god, going to try it… So looking around him with eyes squinted surveying the group, he seriously had his doubts. Seeing one cool guy without his shirt (it was 60 degrees) smoking he went up to him and bummed a cigarette.
Tyler was relieved that some human had finally joined the group he threw a cig at him and lit it for him. As Oedipus Rex ran up to him and started to sniff the leather of Steven's leg, Tyler gave him a swift kick to the stomach and patted his head as he lay there moaning. This would prevent further attacks on Steven.
"Hey, man this is the most pathetic thing I have ever seen… even worse than a bunch of old gay guys at one of my autograph sessions" Steven slowly drawled.
Tyelr responded… "I bet it gets worse".
And they both laughed and went for a walk to smoke a little hoochie so they could tolerate the rest of the day….
Back at the group… we find our band of merry men… all excited and all breathless with anticipation…Randy or should we call him JiffySpiffy, is getting slightly annoyed as his cell phone and pager keep going off. His wife had found out that he wasn't at work and now he was suffering from the repercussions. Starker is munching on some bad stale powdered donuts and as he talks to RamPaul (our big African American Transvestite who is dressed in a gorgeous, blue & black cammie ensemble) crumbs continually spittle from his mouth. We could describe the other characters but we'll bring them up during the float… This is suppose to be a short story don't ya know…
Tyler & Steven come back and Tyler okays it for Oedipus Rex to join the group and he immediately runs up to RamPaul and begins to sniff around her, errrr him or let's just say IT… Tyler & Steven begin to make fun of the merry band and start to pass around a pint of liquor. In the distance the Star Spangled Banner can be heard blaring loudly from a speaker, and a white Toyota Pickup Truck is seen coming down the sandy beach with some sort of tall thing in the back.
Tyler & Steven, are dumbstruck and made speechless as the truck pulls up. Everyone runs up and begins to jump up and down in excitement…. Oedipus Rex suddenly disappears and can't be found. The truck door opens and out jumps Admiral Gadget! With a huge admiral's hat on his head (not matching his thread bare flannel and stained white t-shirt) he strides with pride toward the group and with his remote control he stops the music amongst many applause! Holding his hands up for silence he begins his speech…
"Gentlemen Gentlemen! Welcome to the first annual Gadget Floatilla or shall we say Gadget's Armada… (again applause) I would like to introduce myself as Steve Gadget and it is a pleasure to finally meet all of you… (again applause), finally Steve notices that the group is the most sorry ass bunch of humans he had ever seen but they were his followers so he must be kind)… This is our one and only day of training so my first lesson for a good float is OBEDIANCE… Please note the life size Statute of Captain Merriweather Lewis in the back of my truck that I have borrowed from a errrr park…
Gadget begins to ahhhhhhhmmmmmmmm several times growing louder and louder each time. Finally turning purple and large nostrils flaring he yells at someone to do something. Tyler who is holding his 6- pack abs together in laughter whistles and Oedipus Rex comes running…
His purple face now fading to red, turns on the band of merry men and they all become silent as he holds up his hands like a composers and does the signal for cease, and continues…
"As I said before I was interrupted… our first thing to learn for a successful float is OBEDIANCE…so we are going to practice by kissing Captain Merriweather's stone ass and feet… please line up behind the truck…"
RamPaul jumps up and down and exclaims "I'm gonna lick it!"
Someone in the group rudely protested "No uckin way am I gonna" and stopped when someone elbowed him in the gut.
Tyler & Steven had to sit down because they were laughing so hard, causing Gadget to walk towards them and ask them what they thought was so "Damn funny"…
Steven couldn't talk and Tyler had to run after Oedipus Rex because it was his turn and he started to a fornicate with Captain Merriweather's leg again… Steven just handed him the half smoked joint and interrupted "Man, you must be pretty damn cool if you can get people to kiss a fricken statute's…"
Admiral Gadget took his forefinger and flicking his forehead and nostrils flaring huge, tells Steven…
"Must keep the temple pure. Don't ya know. It's good to keep the temple pure…"
With that exercise finished, Gadget begins to hand out long sticks and lines 3 rows of 6 people on their knees in the sand, and begins the following lecture…
"I am going to teach you the special canoe paddle technique of the Willamette Tribes. We first hold the paddle up and then we stroke across our chest in a 45 degree angle, putting tip into the sand 1 inch, then we…"
He was interrupted by a "Hey what does this have to do with rowing a driftboat?"
Again Gadget turns purple at being questioned and grabs the instigator by the collar and makes him kiss the statute again.
"If Captain Lewis could row down the Columbia in a canoe, I think it's the appropriate exercise for us! Any questions." He was greeted with silence.
The following day ensued with the 3 rows making their way down the beach because after each paddle (which is even too intricate for me to describe) they walk on their knees six inches… With Gadget in his pickup truck and statutue following behind on the loud speaker keeping time. Every hour Gadget would stop and get out to give them heavier sticks till finally they were practicing with two by fours.
Tyler & Steven, walked behind drinking from the pint getting drunk off their asses on the good whiskey and the continuous laughter at the insane scene…
OCTOBER 27TH THE DAY OF DISASTER
THE PUT IN…
It was a bright and chipper morning. The crows were a cawing and the mist over the light brown damp fields was quickly burning off. It had just rained all week and the river was dropping like a rock. All conditions were a go go for our Admiral and he stood there at the boat launch rubbing his hands together as vehicle after vehicle with vessels in tow pulled in and lined up at the boat ramp. In the distance you could hear the honking protests of angry trucks with sleds. At the top of the road, we will find Oedipus Rex in fake policemen's garb with gun set up in a road block. He was only letting in Armada Members and the owners of the sleds knew that the kid was a fake but who the hell was going to mess with a retarded kid with a gun?
After counting 10 vehicles our Admiral donned his suit of blaze of orange. Steve was wearing a survivor suit & SOS suspenders for safety sake, plus he had "Jerry Rigged" the pair of SOS Suspenders so that they would balloon up to the size of beach balls for just an ounce more of safety. See Steve couldn't swim…. Why he was always on the water, was a complete mystery to everyone because it just wasn't a fear of the water it was a phobia, but who knows what strange thoughts lurk in men's mines? His phobia was so bad that the guy would freak out if he stood in a puddle up to his knees. He had read somewhere that you can drown in three inches of water.
The first boat in was Tyler Durn and his now close compadre Steven Tyler. He drove a super nice black Toyota Landcruiser, with matching black Diamondback Driftboat. He got out of the SUV and the sun shone shiny off his bare chest, his nipples hardening with the cold. Steven got out the other side in a cloud of sweet smelling smoke because by god how could anyone be completely sober at this hour of the morning and in such cold. The Admiral walked up to the boys and offered them both super rigged SOS Suspenders that he had made for everyone. Tyler & Steven burst out laughing and took them. Later on that day after a couple of beers they would inflate them and pretend they were fake breasts, and fondle them in front of the other members.
The next boat was RamPaul, she was alone because everyone was afraid they would get molestered if they floated with her. Her Fuschia Pink Toyota 4X4 had a really high lift kit and she also had a matching Pink Driftboat. This one was a "Wild Hair Boat" and the "Wild Hair Logo" was painted in turquoise. The seats looked totally comfy and were seal fur lined so the water would roll off of them. Out jumped the large African American Transvestite and with a sexy "Hello everybody" and a lick of her lips at Tyler's hard cold nipples, she sauntered up to the Admiral to get here SOS Suspenders. She was all aglow that they were black and would match her red neoprene waders perfectly!
Marsha, noting the big stud Tyler, went up and whispered something into his ear. Tyler immediately got upset and knocked out the limo driver and put him in the car. He then proceeded to unload 6 bags of groceries into the lovely pink boat. RamPaul spoke…
"What you got there girlfriend?"
"A few snacks for us and the boys." And she again smiled at the band of now grateful merry men.
