“No one should hear the sound of the phone ringing at 2:30am in the fucking morning” thought the lovely blonde as she removed her arm out from underneath her mammoth boyfriend who had unceremoniously rolled over on it during the course of the night. With said arm barely functional she swatted blindly at the phone removing it from its cradle and pulled the receiver to her ear and winced at the shrill voice on the other end of the line.
“Rise and shine my little camper! And how are we feeling this morning?” Came the all too sunny voice of her now dubbed pyschoatic friend.
“I hate you.” Was the only response she could politely muster.
“Ahhhhh- you know you love me. Get your purdy ass out of yonder bed and no molesting your boy toy now. You got one hour to get ready if we are going to meet on time.” The sunny voice slowly changed to Commando.
“Yeah, Yeah…” and Click… Flinging a blonde strand out of her mouth and rolling back over for more snuggle time. Her hand began inching along her man’s thigh going for his member so she could make sure it was still there and in working order. Why she was always doing that she didn’t know but hey, she didn’t have one to hold on to of her own. Now did she?
Again came theloud shrilling of a phone. Bolting up right, she picked up the receiver and growled into it.
“Okay ALREADY!” She yelled and winced again at the shrilling laughter coming from the line. Turning on the lamp, she glanced longingly at her boyfriend’s nice warm naked frame and with a shake hopped out of bed to take a cold shower that wouldn’t do any good. What she needed was a triple shot and an Artic current to wake her ass up.
This scenario was repeated again but this time in Seattle instead of in Portland with a lovely redhead moaning dejectedly into the phone. The last call had to be made at least five times to another blonde in Seattle, but the human alarm clock would have to physically do this job. Which was why she was ready to go before she made the calls. Angie knew her friends all to well and waking up on a Friday morning to do a three-day fishing trip was not something they were use to. Not every female showed the same enthusiasm for the outdoors like she did or in better terms, not every female was as crazy as she was. It was amazing that she had gotten them to go in the first place.
On the drive over, Angie kept getting complaints from her passengers to turn the music down. On any early morning road trip Angie was reduced to blaring good heavy metal music from the late 70s and 80s to stay awake. Judas Priest’s Rob Halford could be heard in Adaigio shrieking perfectly. Actually the only passenger whining was the lovely redhead Danyle who normally liked the old stuff but was too tired for it today. The other was sleeping soundly like she was when Angie had gone to her apartment to wake her up, shower her, feed her and carry her into the rig. Sleepy Jenny didn’t come by that name by accident. Jenny did not mentally wake up till 8am. No matter what was going on. Jen was also known to fall asleep any chance she could, anywhere she could. We’d call her Narcoleptic but she wasn’t quite that bad.
Angie dialed up Teddy who was driving by her lonesome from Portland to make sure she was making good time. Teddy hearing the ring AGAIN was irritated and stuck her menthol in her mouth and fumbled wildly in her purse for her cell phone, meanwhile spilling coffee on her hand. She had taken to the habit of blaring loud music also and was listening to her son’s Tool CD.
“What!” she hoarsely spoke into the phone.
“Good morning precious! So how youuuuuu doing?” Angie said in her Joey Trevianny voice.
“I’m tired what the hell do you think? Ya know something? Why the hell can’t these gas stations at least make this shitty coffee strong if I have to piss every freakin 20 minutes while drinking it”. She ranted back.
“Ever thought of a thermos? Hey where the heck are ya?
“I’m one hour away and hungry.”
“So where do you want to eat?”
Wow, do we have a choice?
“Yeah, we can torture the local rednecks and freak them out by eating at the Coffee Shop or we can go have some good food at the “Inn Place” and say howdy to Rick.” Angie responded good naturely.
Danny interjected with a “Didn’t I get the runs last time we were at the Coffee Shop?” Angie ignored her.
“Let’s do the Coffee Shop, I have PMS and need to torture someone.” Came a responding grunt.
“See ya in an hour babes.” Danny started whining about the greasy food, then Angie mentioned how fun it would be to sit there and torture a bunch of chauvinistic locals and Danny thought the sacrifice would be well worth it.
How were the girls going to torture the local chauvinistic assholes? Would they harrass them verbally? No! Would they go around spilling their breakfasts on them? No! Would they stand atop their table and do a strip tease? No! And you’d think that most men would enjoy that but not most of the guys in Forks.
So how were they going to torture the locals? By just sitting there and eating that’s how. Remember Forks is kind of stuck in the 1950s and women there are considered to be like a good truck. You buy a nice one to own for the rest of your life. Once the beauty and shine has gone away from it then you start abusing the shit out of them. Of course not all the men are like that but most of them are just like anywhere but it’s more noticeable in a small town. Of course since there is no source of continuing education out there how else are these guys suppose to think? It’s only the educated well brought up boys that have any respect for women, not the poor white trailer trash of the Olympics, just like anywhere else in the United States. Except I think in the South most poor white trash still have the manners of gentlemen and somehow that tradition faded the farther North you went till you hit Canada where manners suddenly reappear.
At about eight AM our little troop meet in the parking lot admist all the other big rigs and drift boats. Jenny has suddenly come to life and with a perky jump out of the truck she squeals that she is “Absolutely starving!” She’s all excited now because she has never done a drift out in the Peninsula and couldn’t wait to take pictures of the old growth trees and the glacial mountain streams. Jenny is the little granola of the bunch and has hiked all over the Western Frontier having done most of the Pacific Crest Trail in bits and pieces. Her favorite hike was an over nighter up to the Volcanoes of Hawaii. She said hiking in the tropics was the ultimate thing.
As they traverse through the crowded diner following one of the only skinny women in Forks, the whole diner has fallen silent. This induces our ladies to start loudly talking about feminine problems and Teddy asks the other gals loudly for a tampon. As Angie sits down she starts whining about the yeast infection she got the other day from them “Damn Condoms” Orvis Boy uses and Jenny quickly suggests a brand that is suppose to be more feminine friendly. This gets the men to talking amongst each other again quickly but they were still listening intently. Of course our gals would never dream of doing this while going out to eat in Seattle but then men aren’t surprised at finding four fat challenged ladies dining alone.
Finally Danny can’t take it anymore and begins making fun of some of the natives. Teddy tells her to be quiet especially when Danny fixates on some large dough like man with a bad baseball hat drinking from a huge coffee mug. All the girls look at the coffee mug and are astounded because it is the largest coffee mug they have ever seen. Jenny who worked at Starbucks was wondering if a mug that large would have any retail value in Seattle. Angie quickly informed the gals that he was a famous internet guide from Oregon and that he deserved our utmost respect for he was the best guide out in Forks, the best rower, and the biggest ladies man, if you know what I mean. The girls turn to her in shock not believing a word of it. Then their attention was drawn to two huge Norsemen walking towards them. Teddy’s interest was immediately pique at the blonde Brad Pitt type and was over joyed when they reached their table (Teddy appreciated perfect male specimens as did the rest of the girls). Angie jumped up and immediately gave the two muscular fellas a big hug. She introduced them to the group as Dean and Jim, they said “Howdy” and did a little small talk, telling Angie what had been happening over the past few weeks. They apologized that they couldn’t join the girls because they had clients and took off. Jenny was sitting there holding her hands in a cupped position where she had cuffed one of the gentlemen’s biceps and was still sitting there in amazement.
The conversation quickly turned to the topic of having sex comfortably with men over six foot five with frames as big as linebackers and Jenny was still sitting there dreamily trying to image her tiny self with such a big guy when it was time to order. Then it happened as they were eating, two small troll like creatures came up to their table to give them some advice. One was dark and greasy a little on the short side and the other was tall with a big nose. (Kiss my ass bitch…) The two looked like the freaked out drug addict characters from the famous B Movie "Mother's Day”.
One of the “Crackers” started talking (the little greasy dark haired guy)and had a hard time looking any of the girls in the eyes which was very typical male asshole behavior. Angie had heard that this guy had a little anger management problem.
“We heard you flipped you boat last time you was here, Angie.”
“Hey dude, do I know you?” Angie responded with a big grin.
“We don’t think you gals should be thinking about floating the river over heres. You don’t have what it takes.” The guy’s eyes were all shifty.
Angie whispers to Danny who started giggling… “That’s the guy that was below me stealing all my shit that I had to call the cops on to get some of it back. Watch this…”
“Oopsy, I seem to have dropped a dollar bill. Hey, you’re really poor. When someone drops something on the ground does that make it immediately yours?” Angie said good naturely the girls began to laugh.
“We just worry and think you gals should stay off our rivers and let the men handle it. It’s not a place for females.”
Teddy just had to interject. “YOUR RIVERS? Hey, I don’t see you losers paying any taxes by the looks of your clothing. How come they’re your rivers? I guess over here, the roads are YOUR ROADS, I guess over here the deer are YOUR DEER. Who the hell farted and made you god?” With that she blew smoke in the red haired twerp’s face. Part of the diner immediately started laughing.
“Just remember we warned ya. You gals just don’t belong out here.” With that they sauntered off like little ghouls of the forest hunched over.
“Hey, ya ever noticed that it’s always the short guys.” Danny interjected she was six feet tall.
“What ever do you mean?”
“It’s always them short guys with the short men complexes that make such a big deal about women doing men stuff and being assholes about it. You wouldn’t believe some of the shit I have to deal with, and it’s always great when I can stand up and tower over them and go excuse me.”
Teddy had to interject. “Sorry Danny it’s not a short men complex. It’s a no dick complex and you think it’s a short man’s complex because it’s more common to have no dick when you’re a tiny little fellar. I think some of the tallest guys that don’t have one or it doesn’t work are even bigger assholes.”
“Yeah, I have to agree with Teddy, Danny. Look at Orvis Boy he’s not very tall and he’s not an asshole and I’ve gone out with a lot of short stocky guys. They all love women and the taller the better and they all were very ahhhhhh gifted if ya know what I mean.”
“Hey, Angie does it bother you when they give you shit about flippin your boat?” Jenny tried to change the subject because her old boyfriend had been a dickless wonder.
“Nahhhh, every guide out here has flipped their boat. They just give me more shit because I’m a woman and more notorious than they are. I just ignore them because I’ve realized that these people are all a bunch of wannabe famous seekers and no matter what they do they never will be and they hate me for it. There’s nothing special about any of them that would make them famous or notorious no matter how hard they try. They’re so non-descript and BORING. Can you even remember what those two dudes looked like that just talked to us?
Plus, they’re all a bunch of uneducated dicks. They’re not worth my time. If I pay attention to them it’s actually making them feel like someone important, so I don’t. They aren’t important, they matter nothing to my life so they ain’t worth even talking too. I’ll put my energy into people that matter and things that matter. Because fighting with a bunch of losers is just a pain in the ass. They have no lives so they live for it and have more time to devote to it. I don’t have the time and have learned since these people have no lives that they never give up. So why bother? They’re peons and should be treated as such. ”
Then the conversation turned back again to the “No Dick Complex” and the greasey breakfast was eaten.
“So where are we going?” Asked Danny as she sat there and tried to put her uncontrollable auburn curls into a bun.
“We’re going to do something challenging this year. We gonna do the Sol Duc.” Answered Angie as she hit the gas pedal passing some poor old man in a beaten Ford Truck. “How can anyone drive a Ford?” she mumbled to herself.
No reaction from the passengers. Little did they know that the Sol Duc had some increadiable Class IV rapids on it. Angie had done the drift a few times with some daring guides in a drift boat and had made so many mental notes it was completely imprinted on her brain. Having always wanted to do it “ALONE” she rented some rafts in Seattle for her and her lovely entourage. She had heard of some local gal that was always trying to raft it and the Calahwah but was always flipping over. Angie wasn’t at all worried about it. Considering her drift boat experience, the weather was warm, and she was a heck of a lot stronger than the said local gal and so was Danny. Were they worried about any danger? Hell, no! They were in rafts, so why worry? Only thing they’d lose was a pole or two and they had eveything they needed in dry bags.
So they left Teddy’s truck at the turnaround and she joined the posse. Angie always wanted to have a posse just like MC Hammer. Except she knew her posse would stick around even when the money ran out. Whatever happened to MC Hammer she thought? Whatever happened to all them genie pants that were so popular back in the early 90s? Do you think the guys that were gay errrrr- brave enough to wear them still had them? If she remember correctly they were pretty damn expensive.
Teddy lit up another Menthol and Danny began to wave the air and bitch in the backseat about how them things were gonna kill her. Teddy laughed and said she didn’t think that it would be the cigarettes that killed her but all the fast living she did in her younger days. Angie held up her mug along with Teddy and they clicked them together and did a cheer cheer. Jen 27 and the youngest of the group was curious to know what the heck they were talking about. Teddy began to regale stories of the ancient 80s. The Heavy Rock n’ Roll scene, the party scene, the all night binges, etc.. Angie told Jen about how they’d stay up for two days driving to Montana to go hit the powder on a whimsy back in the ol’ college days. What Teddy and Angie never understood is why no one ever got killed on these trips. Danny sat there in abject shock as Angie relayed the story of the old Hydro Log Boom days when her ex-boyfriend would drive his Ski Natique 75 miles an hour in the dark across Lake Washington with everyone drunk off their asses. Ah, them good ol’ days. Who cared if ya flipped? Instance death.
Soon they were passing thru the town of Beaverton. Teddy suggested they take the cute little Beaver Sign and burn it. “Teddy!” Angie exclaimed. Then they immediately started making White Trash jokes as Angie retold the tale of the first time her seven year old daughter Loryn had made a comment on the trailer park. Calling; it a “Little Container Village”. Danny who had just made her husband buy a $350,000 house started wondering how anyone could live in a place so damn small. Her parents RV was bigger than the homes. Teddy made the comment about the bathrooms, I bet if “John took a shit in there, you wouldn’t be able to return for a week.” And then the conversation immediately turned to boyfriends/husbands and the male obsession with bowel movements. With Angie’s Freudian commentary on why they were obsessed because mommy told them how bad they were. Now adays bowel movements were a good thing and should be considered “little presents” otherwise the child will grow ashamed of his bowel functions and become anal retentive. With that Teddy “made no comment” and burst out laughing.
After a half hour they hit the turn off, into a strand of mossy trees. Jen was ohhhhing and ahhhhing as they drove through and wanted to take a picture. Angie told her to just wait till they were on the river where it was much more scenic. Then they came upon a cluster of what might have been considered homes if you were thrown back in time to The Apalachia Hillbillys. Teddy immediately turned up her nose and threw her cig out the window. “Another classy place you’ve taken us to mi dear.”
“Ahhhhh quit your griping. We’re gonna have these folks drive my rig back for us.”
“We’re WHAT?”
“Hey don’t worry bout it. The money I be flashing at these rednecks is more than they see in a month.”
“Can we trust them?”
“Sure we can. They may be rednecks but I never met a redneck I didn’t like
The boy was very strange looking (and Danny whispered a question in Angie’s ear) “Inbred?” He had badly bleached white hair that looked like he just dumped a bottle of bleach on it. His body was tall and too thin where his arms were emaciated to the size of toothpicks and didn’t look like they could withstand even the pump of a simple handshake least it come off. What was strange were his strong hands with muscular fingers attached to such boney limbs, so everyone assumed his only exercise was picking a banjo. Then Teddy started giggling because the boy was wearing a pink shirt with white lettering that said “My mamma thinks I’m “Special”.” And then she burst out laughing when she noticed he was wearing a “Kiss Live Tour” baseball hat. Angie just stood there and scratched her head wondering how much the baseball cap was worth.
Then Jen came running up and throwing her quitar case down she started warming up. “Hey, I wonder if he knows any Beetle Tunes.” She inquired. The boy didn’t say a word but quit playing and stared at her with strange blue eyes. They were so blue it looked like he was wearing contacts that blue on purpose.
“Now why would he know any Beetle Tunes?” Angie annoyingly responded. She couldn’t stand Jen’s strange obsession with the Beetles.
“Of course he knows the Beetles. They were one of the major influences of Rock n’Roll.” She stated matter of factly.
“In who’s world? I can’t name one band that the Beetles influenced. Now the Rolling Stones, Credence Clearwater and Elvis were major influences but the Beetles were a bad boy pop band of the sixties. If they were playing today they’d be called “In Sync”. With that she got a glare and a standing ovation from Danny who hated the Beetles with a passion.
Jen decidely ignored the last statement and began to strum “As my Guitar Gently Weeps” and the Banjo Boy began to play but couldn’t get it down and began a hot blue grass tune. Jen started to get mad. She started strumming “Hey Jude” the Banjo Boy tried as hard as he could to strum along but again began a hot blue grass tune. Jen tried several others like “Help Me”, “Yellow Submarine” etc… As Danny and Teddy laughed their asses off and decided that a little hoochie might make the show even more enjoyable. Finally Jen got so mad that she took her guitar and broke it over the teenager’s head. She than began to beat him with the neck like in the ending of a “Kiss Concert”, till Angie grabbed it from her.
“Now what on Earth are you doing?” She screamed and slapped her out of it.
“How could he not know any Beetle Songs? They were the greatest, are the greatest, the world will ever know.” With this she sat down sobbing. The boy laid on the porch in a fetal position spastically convulsing ever few seconds, blood oozing from his mouth.
“Here you need some of this”. And Danny passed her a flask. Jen soon calmed down and took a hit of the hoochie and grabbed the boys banjo, while Teddy grabbed the Kiss baseball hat.
“I think we’ll be borrowing this.” And then they left the quivering weird banjo boy to find whatever family he had around.
They didn’t walk far.
In what use to be a, tool shed or a Black Smith Livery or a slaughter house by the smell of it, they found a toothless cracker. He stood in abject shock as he finally noticed the four lovely ladies in front of him. Angie immediately went forward and shook his not so clean hand and introduced them. She then asked him if he and a friend could take her rig down the river to the turn around. At this the Cracker guffawed and said;
“You ladies don’t be wanting to go down this river. Tis dangerous for the likes of you.”
“Oh, we’re not worried sir. We’re doing it in rafts so it should be a piece of cake.” And Angie gave him a glorious smile.
The toothless Cracker cocked his head to the side and then told them the story of the four gentlemen of long ago that had done it in canoes and only three had come out alive. Angie got the feeling of Déjà vu again and decided again to ignore it. So with a shoulder shrug, the Cracker agreed and said he’d do it for free because they were ladyfolk and all. “Oh the joys of being female”. Angie thought and told him they’d need a few minutes to get ready and they went back to the rig to change.
On the way back, Teddy who was the “Curious George” of the group decided to be nosy and look into one of the home’s windows and stopped in abject terror. As she rejoined the group after being called to several times, she immediately lit another cigarette. Danny noticed the strange look on her face and asked her what was up.
“Ahhhhhh I don’t know how to explain this.” She stammered taking a hefty drag.
“Come on what the hell did you see?” Angie asked walking backwards trying to grab Teddy’s Vagina Slime’s cigarette for a borrowed puff.
“I saw an old old woman and a and a------
“Oh, come on out with it!” encouraged Angie blowing the smoke up into the air where Teddy immediately grabbed her cig back taking another hefty toke.
“I saw an old woman and in her lap was a small girl errrrr what looked like a girl, but she had dog ears like a lab and was all deformed and and…” Teddy refused to say anything else and got another strange look on her face worse than the first. The gang immediately did a chorus of “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW” and felt sorry for Teddy because she’d have to live with that image for the rest of her life. Jen wanted to go look but Angie put an arm on her and said
“Don’t even think about it.”
Back at the rig they all changed and came out looking like something out of the “Dukes of Hazard”. Teddy was unusually quiet since her shock so Danny said what they all were thinking.
“Okay who hired the same fashion consultant”. They were all wearing cutoffs of various tightness and bikinis with hiking boots.
“God, I’m sooooooo embarrassed.” Jen laughed and started to braid her long blonde hair in the smoked out window of Angie’s Rig.
“Hey, you all want to hear something funny? I remember when I was surfing the net at work, I read this totally weird fly fishing forum WWFlyFishers or something and some weirdo said that he didn’t like cutoffs on women because they were cheap looking. I about died on that one.”
“What was he gay?” Danny asked amazed.
“Of course he was.” Jen answered… “Any guy that doesn’t like cutoffs and hiking boots is a totally gay Bob.”
“Well, maybe the guy was scarred.” Angie added. “You know, maybe his girlfriend or wife had put them on and had that lovely jelly jiggly roll right below the hem line.”
“Okay thanks for that image bitch, that’s worse than dog girl and grosses even me out.” Danny said throwing a pair of aqua socks at Angie’s head.
Teddy was still remaining silent but seem to be recovering with her best friend “Hoochie Mamma”.
“Ya, gonna share selfish?” and the girls joined her and got a change in attitude.
After awhile, they were joined by the toothless Cracker and his toothless, Brother? Father? Cousin? Uncle? Who knew? And they both leered annoyingly at the gals. The girls ignore them and got into the rig. Angie immediately started driving and Danny suggested that maybe they should follow the Crackers in case they got lost.
Angie retorted with a “Sometimes you gotta lose yourself in orfer to find something!” and with a yeehaw floored it down the logging road bringing screams from the back seat. The Crackers remained far behind.
Angie expertly zigzagged the rig through the overgrown logging road with near misses to various stumps and fender denting logs here and there. Teddy finally jolted out of her horror yelled “Orvis Boy is gonna kick your ass if you dent your new rig!” which immediately slowed her down a bit. Finally they came to the river’s edge and she slammed on the brakes earning a bitch slap from Teddy in the backseat.
“You know them things are gonna kill ya. Don’t ya?” and he smiled with the gentle ooz of chew coming from his remaining teeth.
“Oh that’s it! Not only do I have to take this shit in the city but now the country folk are brained washed too. Jesus Christ!” She ranted in return.
“You sure are a pretty little white haired girl. How come you have such purdy white hair?” He asked. She was going to retort but Angie did it for her.
“That’s because she was scared really badly as a young girl and it never grew with color again.” She said dead pan.
“That’s really sad.” He returned and a frown enveloped his ugly face.
With the rafts pumped up and all the gear in dry bags and tied on. They were ready to go. So they bid their Cracker friends an adieu.
“You ladies sure you be wanting to do this? That river is none to friendly.” The Cracker said acting like he cared.
Danny enthusiastically countered with “Ah, it’s just a little river we can beat it. It doesn’t look so bad!”
Then Angie got a stern expression and yelled…”We beat the river? You never beat the river!” With that she jumped into the oarsman seat and Jenny jumped in front immediately cracking a Fosters and they took off. Danny and Teddy gave eachother strange looks and Teddy did the finger loonie sign and they jumped in their boat and followed.
The Crackers stood on the shore and just shook their heads and said… “What a purdy waste…”
The first stretch the girls hit was easy. It was a long run with a boulder here and there. Angie told Jen to start snapping pictures because she wouldn’t be able to once they hit the white water. Jen started getting all excited when she noticed a resdient eagle’s nest and the eagle sitting on the mossy old Hemlock below it. The stretch was beautiful and Angie practice a few turns with Danny falling suit.
Then a faint roar could be heard in the distance and Jenny immediately put away her camera and looked at Angie hesitantly. Angie tried to reassure her and tell her it was easy and nothing compared to “Hell’s Half Mile”.
“Hell’s Half fuckin WHAT!” Jenny screamed… “You’ll see… with that Jenny held on as the front of the raft hit the waking white wave and then Angie bounded up with another “Yahoo!” as they went straight for a huge rock in the middle. Jen transfixed on it and was about to scream as they were going to hit it but with a mighty row Angie hefted them away from it. She looked back to see Danny not quite hefting away from it but bouncing off the side with a scream of terror from Teddy going “ROW BITCH ROW!!!!” Then she immediately straighten out and nodded downstream to Jen at the upcoming chute.
“Oh my goddddddddddd--------“ and they hit it hard boat flying over it and dousing both girls in the process. Jenny screamed as the cold water soaked through what clothing she had on. And as they hit the large pool below it Angie trying to row out of the eddy, they turned around to watch Danny and Teddy. Teddy being much more verbal then little Jen. Danny drew alongside totally high off the thrill and Angie informed her…
“You ain’t seen nothing yet! Wait till tomorrow!” and she laughed insanely. They then traversed along similar scenarios till they got to what Angie called “Crazy Cathy’s Hole” and decided to do a little fishing and camp.
After pulling the rafts onto the shore and opening the Crown Royal Bottle all the girls laid down spent on the gravel. Their hair dripping, their legs sandy, and the sun beating down upon them for warmth. Jen asked why it was called “Crazy Cathy’s Hole”
“Well, along time ago back in the sixties there was this lady called Cathy. She worked in the Forks Tavern and was one of Fork’s finest babes, which probably meant that she was under 130 pounds. Well, one day she fell in love with a married logger and I guess he was quite the town stud back then. Of course this being such a small town it was hard for them to meet. So see that delapitated old shack across the river.” They could barely make it out underneath all the sticker bushes that had taken over.
“That’s where our lovers met. Well, Cathy was also married and when her husband finally found out he left her and took their sons and Cathy never saw any of them again. She immediately clung to the stud logger who didn’t want her anymore because she was a cast off. You know how men only want something they can’t have. So she came out here to live and became quite the alcoholic and drank herself to death. Sad isn’t it?” Angie grew weepy.
“Ahhhh what a stupid Ho…” Teddy interjected. “Why on Earth would any woman let any man do that to them? She should of considered herself lucky. She was well rid of a man that couldn’t do her right in the first place and then she was well rid of a man that was a complete asshole.”
“Maybe she had low self esteem.” Jen suggested.
“Yeah, isn’t it funny how some women have so little esteem that they actually take men seriously.” Lectured Angie. “I just don’t understand how a woman can sit there and let their man degrade them, tell them what to do and make their life hell. I heard that this one fat chic here in Forks has been waiting five years for her boyfriend to marry her. Isn’t that pathetic? I have a golden rule that if the guy doesn’t talk marriage and give you some sort of promise ring within in a year you dumb his sorry ass.”
“That could account for you being on what is it? Number three? And being engaged two times.” Danny snidely retorted getting an evil glare from Angie who responded with a…
“Yeah, you should see my collection of engagement rings. Maybe I should make them into one god awful monster ring. Hee Hee” With that Angie jumped up & barked out orders about making camp while she got dinner.
Danny and Jen started pitching the tents and Teddy started swatting at the bugs that found her skin utterly delectable. As Jen was putting up the camping table, Teddy walked over to her with an arm full of wood and pointed over to Angie and asked “What the hell was she doing with that cross bow?”
“I think she’s fishing.” Jen stood up and started watching her.
Angie had tied a rope to the raft and had rowed across the deep hole to hide it behind a rock, where she had perched herself with a crossbow. She waited patiently like a heron till a fish came settling in. As they watched her for five minutes commenting on what a complete nut she was Angie found a target and shot. Screaming joyously she pulled out a wriggling sockeye and yelled across to them “We’re having sockeye for dinner girls!” and proudly bonked the fish on the head and tossed it into the raft.
“God, I hate her sometimes.” Jen complained and Teddy just shook her head and immediately started swatting at herself and her insect friends exclaiming
The fire felt good as the cold July night made for three chilled but drunk off their ass gals, Teddy never touching the stuff. Alcohol made her bitchy and if she got any bitchier they’d have to commit her some day. Danyle wasn’t allowed to drink the hard stuff anymore because she alone could drink the whole fifth in one day and they didn’t bring that much alcohol. Hey, being an in shaped Amazon made for the consumption habits of a NFL Linebacker so it wasn’t her fault. Jen and Angie were feeling just right after finishing off a bottle of a nice Austrailian Shiraz. So all in all the girls were feeling no pain.
Jen had her guitar out and the girls were trying to remember old Camp Fire Girl Songs but the only lyrics they could recall were “Kubaya Mi Lord” and after singing that five times they were reduced to “Smoke on the Water” by Deep Purple the only heavy metal song Jen knew on her guitar.
The girls again “Lit up” and started chatting about what else? Men. Danny didn’t have much to say because she had been married forever and had her husband so well trained that she had no complaints. Actually Danny was a very laid back gal and nothing really bothered her, same thing with her husband. That was why they were such a fun couple to hang with. Teddy began to ask for advice about her Johnnykins that she had just moved in with and she got the same answers from all three gals. Men in there thirties were harder to train and it just took time, she’d just have to be PATIENCE. Angie had no complaints because Orvis Boy was the perfect husband and had been married to such a bitch that Angie had to detrain him so he would have a mind of his own again. They had gone out and bought camo the other day and Orvis Boy had been wearing it for a week now like a little kid. His first wife thought that anything to do with hunting was completely lowerclass. Of course she had a hairstyle from the early 90s, wore Birkenstocks, and had the taste of a fifty year old Kent woman but hey, she thought she was all that. NOT…
Jen was our only little single gal and the old married women thought her innocence take on men was adorable but they still all gave her the same advice. Men will say anything, do anything, to get laid. Jen still believed in the beauty & truth of romance and love but the gals knew that after a couple of “Don Juans” she’d figure it out. Jen was an incurable romantic and would need to get her heart broken, devastated, stomped on and thrown into the fire before she realized that 75% of men were just jerks or momma boy pussies.
Then the conversation turned to Angie’s last husband and why the heck she had gotten divorced and this opened the topic to “Men that feel sorry for them selves”. Angie explained that her ex was a real dumb shit and always had an excuse for why his life was so awful. At first she wanted to help him and believed that it really wasn’t his fault till he started making mistake after stupid mistake. After awhile he just got on her nerves because he never took responsibility for anything. It was always someone else’s fault when something bad happened or he fucked up. After a year and a half she dumped his sorry ass. Unfortunately they had a kid so she still had to put up with his behavior. The guy now 40, would never get life and would end up a total loser but hey, he deserved it now didn’t he? But it wasn’t his fault….
Teddy decided to join in…
“Ya, know. My old boyfriend before John was like that. He got a DUI but hey it wasn’t his fault it was the cop’s fault. No one ever gives him a break. Even though he was the one that got shitfaced and hit the guard rail.”.
“Don’t you just hate men that can’t take the responsibility for their own actions? Like that guy that took my stuff below me when I wrecked my boat. He doesn’t want me to say mean things about him or talk about it but he took the shit then brags about it and he wonders why I think his sorry ass is fuckin scum bait.” Angie replied rolling her eyes.
“Golly… that makes total sense. So if I leave my door unlocked in Forks that guy is allowed to open up my car and take my purse out of it, because I’m the dip shit that left it unlocked?” Danny laughed.
“Or how bout the armor car that loses the bags of money? I guess since the latch came undone that those people just get to keep the money that comes out of it? Yeah, right.” Jen threw in.
“Well, I think the poor pathetic fools of this world think that the world owes them something because they’re too stupid to make their own way. Look at some of the African Americans. They were slaves what 130 years ago and they want repriations? Okay, my ancestors were slaves 1,000 years ago I want repriations. It’s like work hard, take advantage of your free schooling and deal with it. I’m sick and tired of people expecting something for nothing. No one owes anyone anything.” With that Angie took a swig.
“Ohhhhh but it’s not my fault. I married a gold digger and she took all my money. I thought she loved me even if she’s 20 and I’m 40…”
“Ohhhhhhh it’s not my fault. I didn’t wear a condom and I got herpes….”
“Ohhhhhhhh it’s not my fault. I pissed off the big guy and he thumped me so I’m going to sue…”
“Ohhhhhhhhh it’s not my fault I’m fat. I eat a gallon of ice cream and cake before I go to bed…”
“Hey, guys we have a nasty rapid day tomorrow and need our beauty sleep. Let’s get some sleep.”
With that they all tuckered out and curled up in their sleeping bags. A cloud of mosquitos forming over Teddy’s blonde head.
Early in the morning we find Angie frying up some bacon and biscuits. Danny complains that she doesn’t eat pork, with that Angie told her to starve and Danny boiled more water for her tasty bland oatmeal. Vegans are insane Angie thought to herself, and starts yelling at Teddy to quit brushing her teeth in the river water least she get a little parasitic friend and go try to wake up Jen again.
Teddy walks over to Jen and nudges her gently. Angie and Danny laugh watching because they have both done this before. Jen mumbles something and rolls the other way. Teddy now shakes her but still gets no reaction. Then Teddy begins to yell in Jen’s ear. Nothing. Jen just pulls the sleeping bag over her head. Teddy turns around and looks at the other two and flips them off. She then gets a brilliant idea and finds her coffee cup. Filling it with cold river water she dumps it on Jen’s head. This gets a muttered… “Go to hell…” and still no reaction. Finally, Teddy zips up the bag all the way and drags her across the gravel bar where she unzips it and dumps are little sleepy Jen into the cold water. This finally rouses her and Teddy walks off with the sleeping bag leaving a now swearing Jen in 6 inches of river water swearing.
After the last cup of coffee everything is loaded up. Angie talks to Danny and tells them about “Hell’s Half Mile”. Teddy interjected with a “Hell’s half WHAT!?” and Angie continued.
“ Just keep the boat pointed downstream or if you do get turned around go backwards but whatever you do don’t go sideways no matter WHAT.” She said sternly.
“No matter what?” Danny looked intrigued. “Yup, you can bounce all you want too off of the rocks, just try not to get high centered or sideways. The minute you get sideways you are going to flip. So it’s better to go backwards and turn around in a safer place or let the bouncing do it for you.”
“What if we flip?”
“I’ll be below you to get your stuff. You just stand up or if it’s too deep hold your knees and kind of paddle to shore. It’s not deep anywhere. You’re just going to get wet. There’s a big salmon hole below where everything will swirl in an eddy and we can retrieve anything that gets lost. Unless some Cracker is below us taking it. Hee Hee”
So after a couple of non-descript warm up boulder gardens the girls hear the roar of “Hell’s Half Mile”. Jen decides to pound another Fosters and have a last cigarette. Angie focuses and refuses the beer getting all pysched up to make it through. Teddy has two cigarettes at once and puffs away turning as white as her hair.
Angie enters the rapid and immediately starts ping ponging amongst the boulders. She has little control and makes each oar dip count. They almost become high centered on a barely discernable boulder. She yells at Jen to go to the side and they slide off it easily. Then they almost get high centered on another one, Angie turns the boat around quickly and goes backwards till she finds another boulder in which she can bounce forward again. No more high centers occur and they begin to fly over the chutes screaming.
Danny unfortunately gets high centered and is stuck for a few before Teddy decides to move. Danny yells at Teddy to watch Angie’s every move least they get too far back. They miraculously miss the other high center and went forward instead of backwards. Danny having more strength than Angie got some good digs in.
At the pool below Angie spots some kings rolling and can’t resist and gets out her salmon rod. She points them out to Jen who is all for getting a nice king. Danny comes alongside and is so high off of the white water that she wants to continue on down. She asks if it’s very bad. Angie says compared to that no way and told her to stop at the next hole and wait while they get dinner.
So putting on a glob of eggs she casts to the kings, bottom bouncing lightly.
Danny and Teddy go flying through another easy boulder garden and are just having a blast. They get to the next salmon hole and decide to have a beer while they wait. They didn’t see the Willie drift boat around the edge of the bank hidden.
Teddy takes a puff and passes it to Danny who had brought a case of Heineken. “Heineken? Pabst Blue! Yells Teddy at Danny then calms down. “Isn’t it pretty here? I love how the water is tinged with that dark brownish hue. Doesn’t that mean it’s pretty peaty?”
“I don’t know let’s ask Ang. She knows everything.” And begins to snicker. “What’s wrong with Heineken?”
“Don’t even start, Pabst blue!” and with that they hear a noise in the bushes. “What the hell was that?”
“Oh, probably nothing.” Then Danny heard it. “Maybe it’s an elk it sounds pretty big.”
Then out pops the two “Crackers” they had seen at the Coffee Shop. The greasy dark haired one looking more trollish than the last time they saw him and Teddy sniffed the air and made the comment that they reeked. They continued on towards the girls.
“I’d offer you a beer but hey we only associate with humans.” Suggested Teddy as she glared at the two ghouls. They continued closer without a word then the taller one pulled out a big bowie knife.
“Ahhhh shit.” Danny whispered under her breath and continued. “Don’t worry bout a thing Teddy, I’ve been taking Kick Boxing for the last three years and I’m a district champion.”
Teddy was again intrigued “First you’re a triathlete and now a kick boxing champ. Where the hell do you find the time?”
“It’s called NO CHILDREN.” And with that Danny got up with Teddy behind her grabbing a big stick to use as a weapon.
“Come on girlies. We aint gonna hurt ya. We just want to have a little fun.” Said the greasy one.
Danny bent over and touched the gravel bar with her hands stretching her legs. Not letting the greasy one out of her sight. The taller one came at her with the knife figuring she was the dangerous one. Danny did a round house kick and immediately the knife went flying. Teddy came from behind with the stick and wacked the taller one on the back making him go flying. Then the greasy one lunged at Danny. Danny gave him a flying kick to the middle and he went back. She then started to do her kick boxing dance.
Meanwhile Teddy was beating the shit out of the guy on the ground but couldn’t bring herself to crush in his skull. Which was a big mistake so he rolled and grabbed her ankle causing her to fall. He was immediately on top of her and grabbed her by the arms and lifted her screaming into the woods. Danny glanced over her shoulder noting that the knife was still where it should be and blocked a punch and did a kick right to the bottom of the “Cracker’s” chin sending him flying back again. She made for the knife and ran after Teddy.
The taller Cracker wasn’t having much luck because he had Teddy’s arms in a locked position and was in between knee crunching back kicks trying to fondle her perfect breasts. Teddy was getting enraged and kicking ever harder and faster so that he couldn’t fondle her because of the pain she was inflicting. Then Danny came running in with the knife. The guy put his hands on Teddy’s head and threaten to break her neck. Teddy screaming… “Kill the fuckin bastard. Kill himmmmmmmmm!”
Then he threw Teddy down and her head hit with a thud on a fallen log and he lunged at Danny knocking her down. Teddy tried to get up but she was too dizzy. Then Danny was held down by the taller guy and she began to scream. When what to her wondering eyes did appear but the greasy Cracker and a broken beer bottle waiting to cut her.
“Now listen hear you two stupid bitches. You can make this easy or you can make this hard. You two sluts are gonna get what you’ve been wanting. I’m just the man to give it to ya…” Holding the broken beer bottle up high he began to undo his pants with the taller one nuzzling with his stinky breath on Danny’s lovely white neck.
A whizzing sound came and the beer bottle was broken out of the “Dark Cracker’s” hand. Followed by another whizzing sound that went right into the guy’s crotch. Missing his balls by a half inch unfortunately. Thought Angie.
Angie jumped out from behind the tree and Jen armed with a nice club spied the knife and went for it. Teddy finally recovering had found another stick and had wacked the guy holding Danny on the skull. He fell over and she continued to wacked him on the head. Screaming “Touch my breasts again you mother fucker!”
The dark haired cracker was now screaming in pain and limping towards Angie who shot him again and this time in the hand. “Try rowing out of here like that you stupid bitch.” Danny walked over to him and kicked him down to the ground and continued kicking him till he was balled up in a fetal postion crying.
Teddy walked over to him and with her best golf swing gave him a resounding thud and knocked him unconscious. The girls looked at each other and Teddy and Danny screamed up into the heavens blood all over their bodies. Angie quietly order Jen…
“Go get the rope.”
