MORE OF THE EVIL FUN PAGE!!!
Let me introduce you to the lovely Yvonne. She's never caught a fish in real life but she looks darn good in a tight long underwear holding one. Now doesn't she?. But please note, the fishin magazine that used her for her modeling beauty failed to find this flaw. My Goodness, Vogue would have for certain caught that one!
Yes, it's back and I have no one to hold me back! For I paid for this goddamn site and no one is going to stifle my creativity.
UNDERSTAND NO ONE!!!!!!
Special note... before I bought this site, I had a long talk with my provider and told him the horror story of my stalker and explained exactly what I was going to do... Oh the AGONY! Oh the horror!!!
Oh the revenge....
Now on to the good stuff....
BILLY EVANS A BOY WITHOUT A BODY LET'S HELP HIM...
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.
The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with Disney World and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.
Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard.
I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.
Thank You,
Billy "Smiley" Evans
THE SUPPORT COMES ROLLING IN...
You might remember me from various television sitcom shows back in the 70's when I was short blonde and cute. Now due to a horrible disease called "Cantstopsaraleecosis" I am now 10 times my normal size. There is nothing that can be done for me, so I have decided to help other people to make myself feel better. I have a dream. A dream that all the children in the third world can at least be as wide as one of my thighs someday. So now I have become an avid fund raiser for "Adopt A Child". Unfortunately these children never see a dime of the money you send because all the clothes and food we buy them goes to their country's local guerilla rebels or drug lords, but we would like to think it makes it, we truly would.
Now I am speaking on behalf of Billy Evans. Someone sent me his email and it is truly a cause to stand behind, or in my case sit. I was hoping that some of you could participate in the "Catch A Fish Foundation". With each Fish you catch, especially the wild ones, we would request that you drop them off at any Anthony's Homeport (they only serve native fish). There they will be eaten by Anthony's clientele (and at least one pound will be sent to me and just remember my favorite fish is sturgeon the ones under 3 feet). Then they will contribute the wholesale price of that fish to the "Catch A Fish Foundation".
Please Please think of Billy Evans, a little boy without a body. Look at your own little boy and ask yourself "what if it was my son". I kind of can relate to Billy, because I have grow so fat due to my disease that, I too can't move, but I thank God everyday that at least I can enjoy the taste of a good box of ice cream sandwiches or a medium rare side of beef.
Sally Struthers thanks you.
HOW TO TELL THE AGE OF A FISHERMAN...
One of my fans wrote this for me. Thanks Rob!!
If he's 13-30 years old, he'll say, "Who's the babe kissing the fish? She's kinda hot! I wish I was the fish!"
30-40..."I dunno who I'm more jealous of...the babe or the fish!"
40 plus...."What babe? Wonder what that fish hit?"
ANGIE'S DARWINISMS
Since I keep getting all these Darwin Award Lists, it has inspired me. I have decided to all by myself to help mankind out. How will I do that you ask? By helping to naturally select stupid fishermen out of existence!
Hey, isn't your favorite Darwin Award the one where the guy that decides to work on the transmission of a tractor while it was running as in MOVING? Guess what happened to him? EWWWWWWWWWW, how do you go home and explain that to his Mrs?
Some of you may think that Dawrin Awards are not funny, but come on folks! It's funny! It's funny when someone dies because of sheer stupidity. It's funny when someone gets hurt because of sheer stupidity! They deserve it. Do you think I'm going to want people to feel sorry for me, because I climbed a mountain in the winter time and froze to death. No one held a gun to my head to make me go there did they? And who the fuck pays for the helicopter to get these idiots off the mountain? Better not be my tax paying dollars! I say let them DIE! (I guess I don't get the Mother Theresa Award do I?)
Let's face facts…
You don't feel sorry for a deer that decides to go check out a decoy do you?
You don't feel sorry for the trout that went after your fly do you?
You don't feel sorry for Pamela Anderson Lee when she gets beat up by Tommy Lee, when she goes back with him do you
And the stupid and weak die (like the rest of you I don't like)
Please enjoy!
1. People who run monster jet sleds in tiny rivers.
Let's fix their jet blowers so that when they reach 25 mph (which is the speed they must achieve to plane to get over the shallows) so that they automatically die and the boat going full bore, will do a nasty slide and a couple of nasty flips, thus "naturally selecting" all those egotistical "I have a small penis thus I own a big boat", out of existence.
2. Beginner fly fishermen that spend over $1,000 on the new Sage 9171 Series Spey Rods.
Make expensive (the more money you spend the more fish you get, right?) poison tipped flies. They instantly die the minute they embed the fly into their bodies. Thus "naturally selecting" the yuppie scum of fly fishing out of existence.
3. People who wear gay red bandanas.
Again make expensive specialty Lonnie Wahler Red Bandanas. What makes them so special? They're PMS scented of course! Now sell them up in Northern B.C. and Alaska, where the grizzlies and big bears like to hang. We thus "naturally select" the yuppie invading scum from my personal favorite areas of fishing. Oh, how selfish of me!
4. People who wear wading belts because they are scared of the water
Sell them Angie's specially made WATER SOLUABLE Wading belts. So when the idiots wade out over their waists and fall in they are "naturally selected" out of existence.
5. People who drink bad beer.
Inject the beer with a male sterility hormone. Thus breeding white trash "naturally" out of existence. This should put a nice dent in the Redneck Collective Borg, by the way.
We produce SOS Susupenders with holes in them. So that all the people that are stupid enough to drown in a float tube (can someone please explain to me again how this can happen, I just can't comprehend) that they will be "naturally selected" out of existence.
For a woman it would be the following:
1. Vessel? A Cleopatra Barge rowed on one side by Brad Pitt Clones on the other by Keanu Reeve Clones
2. Beverage? She'd be drinking champagne
3. Entertainment? Russ Crowe in "Gladiator" costume beating to death Sly Stallone. (Okay, that's my entertainment)
4. Fish? Who cares?
A Fly Caught Michigan River King (I thought they said steelhead at first...)
I love you Weezer! You're my hero!
*Special Note... Some idiot informed me that Weezer's married with two kids...
Let me spell it out for him and others...
1. Do you actually think a girl that hunts & fishes doesn't have a boyfriend?
2. If I was looking for a boyfriend would I look on the internet? NOT!
3. Remember boyz... when a gal is being nice, she's just being nice, even though in your sick, twisted little minds you think she wants you. WRONG!!! What we are actually thinking about is how you are losing your hair, you could use to lose a few pounds, and geez with high heels that would make me at least a foot taller then him, and man that guy from Dracula 2000 is fuckin fine. Wasn't he the old Calvin Klein model?...
I came upon a wonderful site in my promotional activities MichinganSportsman.com and was perusing (I peruse alot now don't I?) and here to my horror was this picture of a king (and yes it's alive)...
I emailed it to some of my friends and these are some of the responses I received... ENJOY!
hey thats a goddamn toby(comeback)get some silver paint
Did he think that hen chinook was a steelhead??? No need to smoke that one, already smoked ;-)
That looks more like a 20 pound pond leetch!!!!
Now THAT is a chimney sweeper!
I've snagged dead chums off the bottom of the Skagit that looked better. Isn't that a king though?
Hey Ang, notice the cammo waiters? That's so when he's wading up to his mid-section, the fish can't see him! ;) That fish looks exactly the spawners I used to play with at the UW Hatchery. So dark, that they are green
I told you so! Midwest kings absolutely suck. He was probably happy that there was no fungus on it and that it held together in one piece for the photo
This that a Boot or what.....Oh I get it Michigan fish huh......keep up the good work you ...terrorist ;o).....Mike
Don't get me wrong, but this Steelhead looks like a black brother...Looks like the water has a high mineral content...Stay on the West Coast!
u know why they call them fish 4 oclock fish....cause after 4 you can't see them anymore...to dark
Can we talk?
Can we please talk?
What is the deal with all these special fly fishing classes, schools, and trips? Are fly fishermen really that stupid?
Well, my guess is that they know they aren't going to catch anything anyway so they might as well go in a big group and be social, but the scariest part about that, is that they don't even drink on these occasions...HUHHHHH?
You know something, you don't see gear guys paying hundreds of dollars to stand there with 10 strangers and cast and cast and cast. They're smarter than that and do it for free at combat fishing zones...Hmmmmmmmm again...
So if we did have gear classes? What would they be?
SOME GOOD GEAR COURSES...
Plug Pulling Contests
Corkie College
Spoon Chucking Olympics
What is wrong with this picture?
Come on gear guides, wake up and smell the money...
So here's my SPECIAL tribute to FLY FISHING SCHOOLS!!!!
Orvis School for the Special Ed
Here’s a quote I found while perusing through the Orvis Spring Catalog 2001…
“All schools teach the Orvis casting methoD which is adaptable to all casting conditions world wide…”
Now there’s a stupid school. Isn’t there only one way to fly fish? Isn’t there only one way to spey cast with some variation?
Don’t ya just wack the ol’ fly rod back and forth (some of you men do this better than others hee hee) and pull the pretty color line and watch your feathery bug go a flying?
What’s this “Special Orvis Method” anyhow? Oh!!!! I know what it is! It’s all this stuff I see the Special Orvis Students doing wrong! I know I’ve seen these guys before, because I fished with Orvis Boy. Their finest graduate.
They teach you the following;
1. Wade up on top of the fish (I mention that a lot now don’t I?)
2. Dress & buy gay looking fly outfits sold exclusively by Orvis
(Picture of Orvis Geek)
3. They teach you to fish with a bobber.
4. They teach you to fish in groups.
The more guys line up on the bank slapping the water with pretty colored line the more fish you’ll get right?
WRONG!!!! Kind of reminds me of the Cowlitz.
Here’s a good practical lesson for all you STUDENTS...
Close up them wallets…
Or spend that $300.00 on your own guide and get 8 hours of intensive one on one training.
Here’s the only 3 things you really need to know.
Wack that rod at 11 to 2 o’clock. (You know the time I’m not a bitch during the day).
Timing your haul & a having a good double haul is really important so practice practice practice...
Mend your line and keep your fly straight or for a killer presentation a backwards “C” the fly goeth much slower.
Any questions?
DENNIS DICKSON'S LEARN TO FISH A RIVER!!!!
Hats off to you Dennis!
You are the man, who else as a guide has come up with something so ingenious, so dastardly evil. Can you say "MARKETING GENIUS?"
You be the judge.
Dennis can sucker in one guiding trip 10 students... YES, I SAID 10 STUDENTS AT $150.00 A PIECE... DUDE YOU BE DA MAN!
But don't ya feel guilty??? Don't ya feel an itsy bitsy bit guilty???
He sticks them all on their own pontoon boats (and that's a site to see most of them have never rowed before, yet ever been on a river.
Here's a famous quote from one of his students
"Hey, Dennis, will we end up back where we started?"
Dennis, don't ya feel just a weeeeee bit guilty?
You don't think that steelie suffered for the sake of the picture. Do ya?
Even though when I came across you and your class on the Skagit's Mixer and talked to one of your students and told him that due to the rising river (it was raining like a son of a bitch and it was almost out) that he and his fellow 10 copatriots weren't going to catch anything... and you said what did I know, I was just a girl...
I won't be too harsh on ya...
The disappointed looks on their faces at the boatlaunch at the end of the day, was enough for me...
Hats off to you me boy! You are a marketing marvel. Next to Bob Ball's Website and your "Learn a River Class" you both are laughing all the way to the bank!!!
FISHING ETIQUETTE
This is something that has been buggin me for a long, long, time. Do you know why it bugs me? Because... "NO ONE UCKIN PRACTICES IT!" that's why.
Except the Canadians of course, so please read...
I've had it with the lack of etiquette nowadays. There is absolutely no excuse for not knowing it. Absolutely not;
UNLESS YOU'RE A CHILD OR RODE THE SHORT BUS TO SCHOOL. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!
Please feel free to take the following test and see if you pass. Remember the answer is always "C".
1. You arrive at the hole and there's someone fishing it already. He woke up before you did. While you were sitll in bed watching cartoons or reruns of Bay Watch... He made coffee and walked in the dark to the spot. What do you do?
a. Cut in front and make a lot of noise, till he comes and thumps you?
b. Run fast as he comes after you when you try to cut?
c. Beg and whimper after he fished down to you, and plead that he doesn't hurt you.
(answer is always "C")
2. If you are forced to fish a run with someone else and you have to follow him and he doesn't move. What do you do?
a. Go around with the Goddess's Blessing because the fellow has his head up his ass?
b. Get right close to him and scream in his ear?
c. Go some place else because you are obviously fishing at Blue Creek.
(Remember, the answer is always "C")
3. If forced to fish a run together GEAR vs FLY... What do you do if you are the one fishing gear?
a. Insist on him fishing first because fly fishing is such an art form you can't wait to watch?
b. Insist on him fishing first so he'll wake up the fish when he wades in too deep?
c. Insist on him fishing first because let's face it, he's fishin feathers and he ain't gonna do shit, you'll get one behind him anyways.
(Remember, answer is always "C")
4. A drift boat pulls plugs over your water. What do you do?
a. Size the situation - guys in drift bigger? No... Huck rocks or spoons. Feel free to aim for the eyes.
b. Drive to the boat launch & slash his tires (not nice, fellows, ever heard of Bob Ball?)
c. Help them unload dirftboat by unhitching trailer and put it in the river so they can't find it.
(REMEMBER ANSWER IS ALWAYS "C")
5. JETSLEDS... (The greatest group of guys to chuck spoons at). A Jetsled boondogs corkies through your water. What do you do?
a. Wait for the three lines to be in front of you, cast spoon or corkie above, reel fast, tangle their lines & cut your own leader and laugh, or in my case "CACKLE".
b. Have your child with wrist rocket sling shot, huck rocks at the boat, just like you taught her?
c. Turn the other cheek, drive down to the takeout, break the window, hotwire truck, put both truck & trailer into the water so they can't find them.
(REMEMBER ANSWER IS ALWAYS "C")
SHE'S BACK!!!
The lovely
The beautiful
Yet Mysterious Lady of the Deep
(deep as where her head is, in the Sara Lee Cake vats)
This my brethen was considered "Angie's Adult Porn" and was used by my pyschotic stalker to try to shut down my other website.
She is not porn I say... but art. ART IN IT'S PURIST FORM!
She is a tribute to all that is beautiful about humour (note Canadian Spelling...) and she's a tribute that makes me want to cry in it's rare raw beauty....
MORE FUNNY STUFF
Magyver tips for the Northwest Fisherman...
What would Macgvyer do if he was like Angie (having a blonde root day) and forgets her gear and finds Sparkey her roommate's cat shitting again in her fish box of her drift boat?
1. Make leaders out of cat gut
*I think stretching them from a hole in Sparkey's stomach while still alive would be fun.
2. Make hooks out of the cat's claws
*Note cat is still alive
3. Use Orange Tabby Cats --- Best overall steelhead color
4. Use Hair for tying flies and whiskers thread.
*Note cat is still alive
4. Use Sparky's eyeballs for corkies
*Better not lost em you only have TWO!
5. Tail makes a great spey fly… We can call it the CAT LEECH!
What to do if you forget your waders?
1. Go buy some duc tape and steal plastic bags from local garbage bins - Use the dirty side inside out...
2. Make sure you duc tape the feet so they don't tear and are sealed.
3. Now pretend they're your old leaky waders...
"I'm a motivational speaker, and I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" By the late & great Chris Farley
