Why do I call it magical? Well, hell everyone else has a gay name for their egg cures. Shouldn't I do the same and stick with the tradition?
ANGIE'S EGG CURE
Well, actually it's not my egg cure. Does anyone really own their own egg cure? Aren't they all just basically the same goddamn thing except for a few differing variations?
I keep reading on the net and in the magazines about all these "perfect egg cures" or "magical egg cures". It's kind of like reading about soap. It's all the same; you rub it all over your body, it lathers, it takes the scum off, and then you're clean. And if you rub it in your hands longer and really make a good lather on those nice hard pecs and six pack abs… Whoops, I'm sorry I was digressing. I was thinking about soap, then I started thinking about that Irish Spring Commercial, and then I started thinking about the model in the commercial and then the shower scene… Oh, Oh, I only think women can appreciate this digression, huh…? Just whistle baby!
Okay for you men, since I want to be fair. Let's think about soap for you… You have a nice big bar of Irish Spring. And there she is your little Irish Lassy, waiting there in your bathtub. Her red hair glistening wet in long tendrils, her big brown eyes looking at you in anticipation… You start rubbing the soap on her, starting at her delicate ankles and as you make your way up her legs you come closer and closer to that magical place where the hair is soft, when you reach it ALL OF SUDDEN, she shakes hard and you get totally doused with her wetness. And then she turns around and licks your face ever so delicately. Has anyone figured out that I'm talking about an Irish Setter yet?
ANYWAY…
I'm going to say something bad…
I'm going to say something mean…
I'm going to totally disillusion everyone…
Pro Cure Sucks…
Yes, I personally think that curing your eggs with Pro Cure is stupid and I'll give you the reasons why…
1. I don't like the color
2. I don't like the scent
3. Have you ever seen what your big glob of eggs looks like after you've been bottom bouncing for more then a few casts?
It looks like a glob of off white mushy beads. Like shrunken little naked balls in a cluster. Maybe that's where Mr. T and his "Posse" balls went? And we all know how small I'm talking about….OUCH… Speaking of ouch, just imagine how fun it would be to take each set of those tiny little balls (the size of an eraser) and thread them up with a needle. Man that's really sick. Ya know something, I'm in a real sick mood today. Can ya tell?
ANYWAY…
Pro Cure doesn't have much longevity and as I said after a couple of casts it just looks like a bunch of little shrunken corpuscles…
Another thing that annoys me about everyone else's egg cures is that they think you have to spend a shitload of time and effort on curing eggs. What's wrong with that? Well, here is a good question for ya. WHO THE HELL HAS THE TIME? I certainly don't but then I have this thing called a life. Unlike most people. Maybe I just don't understand that as I go shopping, FISHING, and out to lunch with my friends. It's kind of like them people that post too much on the internet. They have nothing else ta do so why not spend hours curing eggs? It's not like some of these geeks have a hot babe that they get to take afternoon naps with or have to go to bed early to do something other than sleep.
Some people when curing eggs, will dry them out, rejuice them with scent, dye them red, cut them up in perfect little pieces and then perserve them. What a pain in the uckin ass. Here's my philosophy.
Butterfly them, scent them, gelatin & borax them and stick the puppies in the freezer. Wow! What a pain in the ass. Do you think that successful guides have the time to do anything else? I don't and know for a fact that my guide buddies don't either. They rather spend time with their purdy wives or drink beer while watching sports. You know stuff that real men like ta do...
You can do it my way or you can do it the retarded way (any way other than my way, except for Bill Herzog his is just about as simple)…
#1 Catch a fish, that's right ya gotta catch a fish to have skeins of eggs. Best eggs for steelhead are steelhead, 2nd in line are King or "Chinook" Eggs, coho eggs and then we have chum eggs… and of course for those idiots, make sure the eggs are bled or don't have any blood on them. This makes for lousy ROTTEN eggs.
#2 Preparing the skeins
1. Take your nice shiny orangy or reddish orange skeins and hold them in your hand (don't they feel niceeeeeee) What we are going to do now is butterfly them like you would a chicken breast. Just a little, now spread them open like a chicken breast on news paper (preferably the comics)
2. Whatever you do. DO NOT CUT THEM IN LITTLE USABLE CHUNKS I REPEAT DO NOT CUT THEM UP. Ever notice that they dry up really fast, get freezer burn easily and just don't last as long. Have you also notice that the GUIDES KEEP THEM IN WHOLE SKEINS and cut them as they fish? A little messy but then it's better than freezer burn eggs now isn't it?
3. Now air dry, it doesn't matter if you do this in the kitchen, on the counter or in the fridge. I REPEAT IT DOESN'T MATTER UNLESS YOU LIVE SOMEWHERE REALLY FRICKIN HOT! Put new newspaper down (preferably the sports section) and flip them over. Why aren't we using paper towels you ask? Do you want to pick it off? I don't…
4. Now that they are tacky (as in kind of sticky like a chicken breast that's ready to be dipped and breaded) it's time to scent them. That's right scent. Take a bottle of ANISE oil. No not ANUS oil, I'm talking ANISE which is what black licorice is made of, and rub it into the skeins. Note the wonderful candy smell. Irrestible I tell you absolutely and utterly irrestible. I use Anise Oil on my eggs, I use anise rub on my plugs and I use a dab on my sandshrimp. It's a good scent and the fish like it. Again note the simplicity in which I use the scent.
Where do we find Anise Oil? In the bakery section of the grocery store next to the vanilla flavoring.
5. Now for the messy part. The part that gets the Mrs Panties in an uproar if you don't clean up after yourself. It's time to cure them. So what do you use?
The special "Borax" you buy in the fishing store? NO
The special "Cure" you buy in the fishing store? NO
Because newsflash baby…. That stuff is just plain old bloody borax you buy for a quarter of the price at the grocery store. Where is it located? In the Laundry Aisle. Man, doesn't anyone go grocery shopping anymore?
#3 Curing your eggs
1. Take some borax and it doesn't matter how much and thoroughly sprinkle it all over your skeins…. Let soak in and do the other side.
2. Take KNOX GELATIN (a gelatin that makes a Ladies' fingernails all purdy like. You will find it ABOVE THE JELLO SECTION) and sprinkle on top of the Borax, let soak in and then do the other side.
3. Take the KNOX GELATIN the whole package (there are 12 in the box) and dump in a bowl, mix with the appropriate amount of Borax let's say 2 cups it really doesn't matter, eye it and if your too stupid to eye it use 2 cups and mix together, sprinkle on the skein, let soak in and do the other side.
4. OR take a package of KNOX GELATIN, two cups of BORAX and dump in big freezer bag, shake shake shake (do it to music I don't care) Back and forth and up and down and all around…. Now add the skein and shake it in there, leave it on the counter let soak in, come back and do it again.
5. It's important that the borax and Knox are soaked in really well you'll know because there will be a dime thick outer coating now and your eggs are ready to freeze.
6. If you want to do it even quicker, take the package of KNOX GELATIN and rub it into the skein before you borax it. Then dump the skein after the gelatin soaks in, into a freezer bag (the kind that won't let the bees out, please don't go cheap on freezer bags you'll be sorry) with borax and shake shake shake. This is the way I like to do it and the quickest.
#4 Freezing you eggs
1. Big freezer bag, get the air out, leave it in the extra borax and freeze.
2. Tupper Ware, I don't like this way, eggs usually get freezer burned.
#5 Variations
1. Some guides like to use orange or red jello
2. Some guides like to add salt Johnny's Seasoning, no I'm not joking ask them...
3. And you know I can't think of any other ways except that crap they call "Pro Cure" or the stupid shit in the magazines, red liquid dye. What the -uck?
Now if you really want to test my egg cure (well, an old boyfriend that shall remain nameless because he's keeping a low profile and someone else showed him, taught me the Knox Thing) pit it against your friends. Prove me right. It's been done dozens of times before, so let's prove Angie right just one more time. Yes, that's it. Cure your eggs with Knox just to reaffirm the fact that she is right no matter what.
It's like the Pepsi Challenge. And we learned that they prefer the Knox cure eggs over any other. Why? It's kind of sweet, the orange coloring is perfect and you know something.
I don't fricken know, they just do.
Now doesn't this sound easy? It is so frickin easy, but it's just a little messy and don't do it while drinking because you will get Borax all over the place, and no the beer won't make the eggs more tastier to the fish. Put the beer down, step away from the eggs with that open beer bottle… Put the beer away…
One last thing, I've been told that the best eggs to use are from a freshly killed hen. It drives the other steelhead nuts because of the smell? I heard they don't stick together very well and that the warmth of the eggs are kind of freaky but if you ever want to try this carry some borax with you while fishing.
I'm going to try this during hatchery brat season and see if it really works. I guess I could use a "Wild Steelhead Hen" but that's sick and wrong and the Goddess would strike me down if I did. Kill bucks you evil doers, IF YOU'RE GOING TO KILL A WILD STEELHEAD KILL THE BUCKSSSSSSSSSS….
Now children…. have fun!
If anyone has a better cure…. Bring it on! We'll test it but I bet my Willie Boat that mine will beat anything (except for the freshy eggs) you have to offer…
SPECIAL UPDATE...
Well, we tried the fresh hatchery hen eggs and it worked heavenly. You just bleed the hen, slice her open and take out the skein. The milk that came off of the eggs drove the other hatchery fish insane and we had way more success and caught fish faster than with just the cure eggs.
Now if anyone were to tell you that cured eggs were to work better than freshly killed hen eggs. The guy is uckin nutso. Let's just think about the whole scenario. Fresh smelly milky warm eggs against all natural against all fakeola. It's like a woman breasts. What looks better? (Not that I think in these terms but I'm trying to make men think and to that we have to use examples they appreciate. Don't ya know?)
Also, while perusing the internet for egg cures to compare it to. Here's a thought for ya. What color are eggs? In all the fish you ever cleaned. What color were the eggs? That's right they were, yup! You guessed it ORANGE! Not red they were ORANGE. So why do the so called expert dorks color their eggs red? I know they're color blind! That's it! Doesn't color blindness only run in males?
Mental Note... When fly fishing the orange fly always out does the red fly. Now isn't that a deep thought for ya?
"Curing Eggs is like Women's makeup... the more stuff you put on them the more unnatural they look..."
Angie
